i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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