It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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