There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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