Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
