My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
