GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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