I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
