my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
