ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
