just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
