Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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