Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
