sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
