I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
