Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
