You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
