I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
