i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
