how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
