I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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