i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
