WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
