I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
