Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
