Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
