Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
