You made me cry and you don't even care
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
