So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
