When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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