I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My dick has a subreddit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
