True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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