worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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