After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
