The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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