Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
