I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
