We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
