yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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