remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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