They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
