can we get nightvision for the apartment?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
