He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
