well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
