I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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