we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
