you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
