i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
