I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize