I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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