Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
