I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
