No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
