Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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