I think I died a long time ago.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
