i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
