I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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