the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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