I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
