I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
