god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i drank out of a bidet.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
