I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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