Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
