he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
